Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I did not marry a roomba.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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