U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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