dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
