the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
