Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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