woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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