I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
