You smell like stripper and shame
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize