I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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