then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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