she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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