Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
my being single is dangerous.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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