Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
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