Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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