My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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