New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
