nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
