now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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