I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Boobs speak an international language.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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