I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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