I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize