So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My liver just had a heart attack.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
