I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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