dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
