I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize