I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
