If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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