if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My life is pants optional.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
