you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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