Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
