i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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