Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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