why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
