You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
