I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
