happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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