my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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