On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
