You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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