I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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