Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
