I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
This baby is an asshole
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
