just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
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