My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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