don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
