her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
