Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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