she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize