Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
