i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
