omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
