im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
