The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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