Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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