Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
