I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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