Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
